Шутки и смешные истории про школу на английском. Jokes about school

Предлагаю вам подборку детских английских шуток, основная тема которых — школа, уроки и взаимоотношения с учителями. Эти английские шутки простые и добрые и предназначены для детей.


When Jane came back home after her first day at school, her mother asked:

“Well, darling, what did they teach you?”

“Not much,” answered the little girl, “I’ve got to go there again tomorrow.”


“I can’t understand how it’s possible for one person to make such a lot of mistakes in a short essay.”

“It isn’t one person, sir, Father helped me.”


The teacher: “Didn’t Johnny Grey help you do these sums, Billy?”

Billy: “No, miss, he didn’t.”

The teacher: “Billy, are you sure he didn’t help you?”

Billy: “No, miss, he didn’t help me, he did them all by himself.”


The teacher: “Jimmy, can you tell me what a fishing-net is made of?”

Jimmy: “A lot of little holes tied together with string.”


The teacher: “Ann, what animal eats least?”

Ann: “The moth. It eats nothing but holes.”


“Billy, you should wipe your mouth after a meal. I can see what you had for breakfast today.”

“What was it, Mr. Brown?”


“Oh, no, sir! That was yesterday!”


A teacher was telling his pupils about the four seasons. “And now, who can tell me the best time for picking fruit?”

“When the dog is tied up.”


The Inspector was asking questions in a class of small country girls and boys.

“Well, and now, who can tell me what cow hide is good for.”

A boy: “For making footballs.”

The Inspector: “Very good.”

Another boy: “For making shoes.”

The Inspector: “That’s right.” Then he asked a small girl who was thinking hard. “Well, my dear, what do you think cow hide is good for?”

The girl: “For holding the cow together, sir.”


“Dad, why do they call our language mother-tongue?”

“Well, don’t you hear who uses it most?”


“Jim, spell the word cigarette.”

“Well, sir, Father doesn’t let me smoke, and I’m sure he wouldn’t like me even to spell the word cigarette.”


In a history textbook it was written, “In 1847—48 potatoes were the only food of the Irish peasants.”

A boy in class read it as follows: “In 1847, forty-eight potatoes were the only food of the Irish peasants.”


A teacher was explaining fractions to his class of girls and boys. After having written several examples on the blackboard, he asked a boy whether he would prefer one-fifth or one-eighth of a lemon.

“I’d prefer one-eighth, sir.”

Then the teacher began to explain again that though the fraction one-eighth looked larger than the fraction one-fifth, it was really the smaller of the two.

“I know that, sir. I don’t like lemons!”


The School Board in a country district heard that discipline was bad in one of the schools. The Inspector, a tall, strong man, said he would teach them a lesson.

He drove to the school and heard a lot of noise in one of the classrooms. He went in and threw out the biggest boy. The class began to laugh.

“What are you laughing at?”

“Sir, you’ve thrown out the only one of us who never gives any trouble to the teachers.”


The Professor: “And so we find that X is equal to zero.” The Student: “Oh, dear, so much work for nothing!”


The  Professor: “Can you tell me something about the great inventors of the 19th century?”

The Student: “Oh, yes, of course, they are all dead, sir.”


Тhe Student: “Well, sir, I don’t think I deserve a zero.”

The Professor: “Neither do I, but you see, it’s the lowest mark I’m allowed to give to a student.”


The Professor: “You missed my lecture yesterday, didn’t you?”

The Student: “Not at all, sir, not at all!”

The Professor: “Is the question too difficult for you?”

The Student: “Oh, no, sir, not at all! It’s the answer that is.”


The Professor: “Oxygen is necessary to life. Nothing could live without oxygen. It was discovered a century ago.” The Student: “I’d like to know how they had managed before it was discovered.”


The Student: “What’s the date of today, sir?”

The Professor: “Never mind the date. The answers to the questions are far more important.

The Student: “Well, sir, I wanted to have at least one thing right on my paper.”


The Professor: “Smith, what does HNO mean?”

Smith: “Just a minute, sir, I know... I know, I’ve got it right on the tip of my tongue!” The Professor: “Well, you’d better spit it out at once. It’s poison.”

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